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Sally Smothers

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[08 Jan 2004|07:46pm]
Wail, Ah think Ah has had enough of all these questions... besides, thar ain't no one answerin' mah questions, so Ah thinks Ah's jest gonna use this here jernal to update about mah life. Ah needs to go to bed 'cause Ah gots a headache, so Ah'll update this later.
4 whole hams in my fridge

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Question #30 [13 Dec 2003|05:02pm]
marcsucks

Sally:
I was wondering if you could tell me if I already know the guy Im going to marry or if I'll meet him soon. What should I look out for?
Thanks love!



You already know him. He's th' one who's with you all the time an' pays attention to yore feelin's an' understands you. You already care fer him butcha don't know if'n he cares fer you. Ask him and you'll be seerprised t'find out he feels th' same way.



To alert ever'one who commented eenonymously, I ain't allowin' none of that anymore on account of LiveJernal got rid of invite codes.
8 whole hams in my fridge

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Question #29 [11 Dec 2003|03:14pm]
jbutorsky
Hi. I'm currently 923 pounds, and um. I personally consider myself to be petite, but everyone else just thinks that I'm overly obese. How can I convince these people that I am really petite?



Dear Fatty,

Get a clue.
1 whole ham in my fridge

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Question #28 [11 Dec 2003|03:02pm]
anyone_else
dear sally,
my boyfriend has a foot fetish, and he loves to play with my feet, but it disturbs me... what should i do?

much love, jon



Dear Jon,

Talk to your boyfriend about this. If he's carin' and understandin', he will stop. If'n he don't, he don't respect you an' don't deserve you.

'cause Tammy Wynette said you gots t'stand by yore man, but hell, if'n he's playin' with yer feet, you can't stay balanced!
my fridge

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Question #27 [07 Dec 2003|10:12pm]
spencer_mato

Dear fat sally,
I am a 15 year old yiddish folk singer. As much as I sing my deep and beautiful yiddish songs, people still laugh and tell me I suck. What should I do?



Dear Spencer,
Wail, I gots to tell you, that as much as I have lissened to music, I ain't never heard no Yiddish stuff. Howuver, if people seems t'be hootin' and hollerin' every time you play, you needs to look and see if maybe that's yer fault. Maybe you jest ain't practicin' enuff. Now, I suggest that you keep on playin', 'cause thar ain't nary a better substeetoot fer a good practice. Also, you needs t'talk to a preefessional Yiddish person so's you can see if yer doin' it right.

If they's jest laughin' at you, tell 'em to play it. See how well they does. Then they'll be the laughin' stock. It'd serve people right.
my fridge

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Question #26 [02 Dec 2003|02:31pm]
Anonymous

You said in a recent post that Hispanics are the hottest ever.
My boyfriend is Hispanic, and I am not. I have always had a feeling that he likes Hispanic girls better and I am getting a complex! Is this true???



Honey, like Ah said t' th' last person what asked a question... if'n he can't do with what he has, then git out that door, child. If'n you don't know fo' sure 'bout it, ask him. If'n he loves you, he's gon' talk to you 'bout it.
4 whole hams in my fridge

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Question #25 [30 Nov 2003|06:21pm]
riotinmyhead

Hi Sally I'm writing this for my friend, cuz she is shy and won't ask you herself.
She's had a crush on this guy for ages and she finally got togethe rwith him and he touched her boobies, and she feels used. What should she say to him?

thanks Sal, you're the greatest!

Stee (pn behalf of jooliet)



Wail, Stee, yore friend kin post eenonnomus, if'n she wants to. In my experience, people like that is jest lookin' for sex. Yore friend should leave that boy alone until she can find out more 'bout him. If she wants, she kin talk to him and ask him why he did it, but I do not believe, under the circumsicions, that he would be respectful.

Tell her I said, "Girl, I say to you find yo'self another man who treats you right! Don't go for the first thing that comes over and talks to you jest 'cause he's purty. Beauty comes from the inside and disrespect ain't purty at all."

Who is that thur in your icon? He's might purty.
2 whole hams in my fridge

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[27 Nov 2003|11:41pm]
Ah am pissed as a hog in a barbecue restaurant!
THIS HERE IS THE ONLY DAMN PLACE Y'ALL CAN ASK QUESTIONS. Now, if Ah see anybody askin' somethin' anywhur else, y'all is gettin' banned. If'n you want to comment on somethin', that's mighty fine, but don't ask questions nowhur else! Ah have deleted two questions on account of that and Ah refuse to answer them. Also, if'n Ah doesn't get no replies on some of my advice, Ah is gonna stop answerin' questions awl teegether.
my fridge

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Question #24 [15 Nov 2003|01:25pm]
cholita_loca

Whyz am i so sexayz???



Wail, girl, it is obviously yor Hispanic background. Now, don't get me wrong, other peoples is beautiful too, but the Hispanics is the hottest ever, girlfriend, and you know it! It's in yo genes!
my fridge

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Question #23 [13 Nov 2003|12:11am]
bubble_faery

Dear Fat Sally,
what are your views on fate in regards to love? is there one person out there for everyone? do you believe in soulmates? is there such a thing as Eyes Meeting Across A Crowded Room? and more importantly, when will i find mine??



Love is rarely fate. It is first and foremost takin' a step towards someone and introducin' yerself. It's walkin' down the street and meetin' people and makin' new friends if nothin' else. It's somethin' t' just jemp into to warm you up when the world gets cold, let me tell you. Shore, love can be fate, but fate is what we make it. Ah does believe in soulmates, but jest because yer a soulmate with someone doesn't mean you was meant to be. Mah best friend and mah hurrdresser, Shaniqua (shaniquasimmons) is mah soulmate, but ya don't see me hangin' mah tits all over her, do ya? Ah do know when you will meet that special someone, but ah can't tell ya, 'cause if'n Ah do, you'll see him a-comin', which will ruin th' whole situation. You'll trip, rip yor dress plum up the back, and fall face first into the avocado dip, and girl, let me tell you, that ain't a purty sight.
my fridge

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Question #22 [27 Oct 2003|01:29pm]
bcddedccbcdd

Sally, my friend Wanda sangs reah good. She also a lot bigga then meh. i tryn eat mo an mo ta get big like her, cuz she got all da friends. even my bo' be lickin' up her mor n'meh. what shuld i do ta make my bo' lick up me mo and get me sum mo fiernds?

-Missy J



Wail, Missy J, Ah know Ah'm gonna hafta say that it don't matter if'n you is fat or if'n you is skinny. If you jest be yourself, you will has friends, but instead, you is tryin' to be somethin' you isn't! Your boyfriend most likely likes this girl 'cause she ain't afraid to be who she is.
3 whole hams in my fridge

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Question #21 [25 Oct 2003|05:48pm]
shiks

Dearest Sally-

How can I get my boyfriend to stop lying and cheating all the time?

P.S. You're the greatest.



Wail, first off, I'd say you gots yourself a little problem. I don't care who you is or what you does, but you ain't no doormat, and you shouldn't act like one. If'n you think you can't leave this man, like Ah suggest, then you jest need to talk to him about it and let him know if he don't straighten up his act that you gonna take your boots and walk all over him. Let him know who's boss.
my fridge

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[19 Oct 2003|04:06pm]
Hey, y'all! Mah sister, Darlene, has fannly got herself a LiveJernal! She is sharin' a jernal at the_hamlins Look fer her posts!
my fridge

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Question #20 [17 Oct 2003|08:06pm]
plumlicorice

Dear Fat Sally,
I am about as fat as you, and I have a problem! Everytime I see someone who's looking a little skinny I just wanna feed them my special lard gravy and my meatloaf muffins till they bust. When they start gaining weight, they don't like it and won't let me feed them no more. Would it be wrong if I locked up these bony souls in my basement to feed them cupcakes with Bacon-Bit sprinkles?? I know that kidnapping is illegal and all but I believe it would be the moral thing to do. Everyone should be fat and happy! What do you think? Would hypnotizing them to eat in their sleep be more logical?

Love,
Michelle



Oh my sweet Jesus! You is the purtiest little garly ah have ever seen! And yore idea is the best! Skinny people jest don't realize what we has to go through! Constant teasin' by our peers and pointin' and laughin'... How bad it feels when you can't fit through a door or when you gots to have a booth at a restraunt 'cause you can't fit in no chair! It jest sometimes ain't fun to be fat... but overall, I'd rather be huge and healthy than skinny an' throwin' up in a terlet! Tie the dumb little heifers down and fill 'em up!
1 whole ham in my fridge

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Question #19 [17 Oct 2003|07:02pm]
Anonymous

Dearest Fat Sally,
I added you to my buddylist on AIM but it seems you are never on. This makes me sad. :'(
On to my question though...I have TWO actually. One-What state do you live in? Just curiouse since you say your from the south...yes, well...on to my real question. I get made fun of in school because they say Im TOO fat, which I didnt think was possable. I dont have any friends because of it, and It just hurts. Fat people need love to, any suggestions?
-You rock-
Mrs.JIP



Gally, Ah is sarry, but Ah only gits online to check mah emails and to update mah jernal and to werk on xtreme_vanity.

In answer to yore question, Ah lives in Tyler Texas. I gots a sister named Darlene whut lives in Louisville Kentucky. We called her Darlene 'cause she was the purty one.

And Ah thank it is hurble that you don't have no friends on account of yer weight... but don't let that let you fret none, 'cause Fat Sally didn't have no friends when she was growin' up! You gots ta make yer friends! If they doesn't like you, let them know that you don't give a rat's ass. If they makes a-fun of you, just tell them that God made you speshul.
6 whole hams in my fridge

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Question #18 [08 Oct 2003|05:39pm]
peepeedeedlydee

Subject: Why?
Dear Sally,

I don't understand, but every time I go to my local church, my preacher attempts to put a potato in my intimate places! Why does he do this? Should I feel guilty for liking it? Please help me!

- hopeless unbeliever



Dear hopeless shitbag. Yor preacher ain't right. He should know he supposed to mash them dadburn potatos afore he uses 'em. An' ifn' you use butter, it won't hurt nary a bit! You should know that this is a natural thang and you shouldn't feel guilty nor eem-barrased 'bout it. Talk to yer doctor if'n ya have any compleecashuns.
1 whole ham in my fridge

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Question #17 [08 Oct 2003|05:28pm]
socratesthewise

Subject: Contemplate...
Hey, Girl. ~>^-^<~ I've been watching your journal for a while and I must admit it seems positively enlightening...so what do you believe is the meaning of life?

Kiss kiss. >.<



Wail. Ah do believe that the meanin' of life is t'be found within the soul, an' not within the world.
my fridge

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Entry #3 [30 Sep 2003|03:07am]
Journal Entry TwoCollapse )
1 whole ham in my fridge

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Question #16 [29 Sep 2003|11:52am]
mrfucker

I have a problem finding wimmens my size (I'm three feet tall) who will appreciate my gherkin-like lovetool. Most of the wimmens i meat pick me up and try to use mah entire body as a dildo! I'm sick and tired of it but also I do not want to masturbate to amputee porn for the rest of my life. I want a sexual relationship as well as an emotional one.
Where is a good place to hook up with short honeys, four feet and under???? Thanxye, Fat Sally!


PS: I'd hit it if you were my height.



Hunny, ya need to visit that thur website fer Lil' People Of Amurica. They's haves convensuns fer people of yer stature. Now, it ain't gennly nice to jest hit on women, but if'n ya do, ya need to be gintlemenly 'bout it. Hurr is a website consurnin' good ettkit. Ratt hurr.
1 whole ham in my fridge

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Question #15 [28 Sep 2003|03:33am]
bran_sniffum

MY ANUS HAS BEEN HURTING A LOT LATELY. WHAT SHOULD I DO TO FIX IT? :(



Wail. Y'gonna need eight things.

1. Wood glue.
2. Nails.
3. Preperashun H.
4. Duct tape.
5. One head o' lettus.
6. Three titties kivvered in peanut oil.
7. 372 rubber bands.
8. An alibi.

I'm shore you kin figger out the rest, bein' you all smart an' everthang and ah'm 'bout t'fall asleep at the screen.
5 whole hams in my fridge

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