Dear Fat Sally,
I am about as fat as you, and I have a problem! Everytime I see someone who's looking a little skinny I just wanna feed them my special lard gravy and my meatloaf muffins till they bust. When they start gaining weight, they don't like it and won't let me feed them no more. Would it be wrong if I locked up these bony souls in my basement to feed them cupcakes with Bacon-Bit sprinkles?? I know that kidnapping is illegal and all but I believe it would be the moral thing to do. Everyone should be fat and happy! What do you think? Would hypnotizing them to eat in their sleep be more logical?
Oh my sweet Jesus! You is the purtiest little garly ah have ever seen! And yore idea is the best! Skinny people jest don't realize what we has to go through! Constant teasin' by our peers and pointin' and laughin'... How bad it feels when you can't fit through a door or when you gots to have a booth at a restraunt 'cause you can't fit in no chair! It jest sometimes ain't fun to be fat... but overall, I'd rather be huge and healthy than skinny an' throwin' up in a terlet! Tie the dumb little heifers down and fill 'em up!